Call Me Cupid.

   I was at Funky's last night cruising around looking for a place to sit because the band had finished up their set. The first available seat I saw was covered in booze and had a smashed pint glass at the foot of it. The second available seat I saw was at a table that had one guy sitting by himself, so I sat down next to him and told him I was his new friend. He seemed fine with this and we got to talking. He had an accent, but his English was good. When he asked me if I played Funky's last night I instantly liked the guy, and when he said, "when your band was playing I said to my girlfriend, that guy, he is good..." this made me like him even more. As much as a guy likes a little ego boosting I wanted to talk about him. His name was Jero and he was from Spain. He had been in Canada for 9 months, but sadly was unable to stay because he had no visa and was going to have to leave the country in October. 

   "But if you were to get married to a Canadian girl you could stay right?"

   "Oh yes, that is right."

   "Jero, we're gonna find you a wife." 

   "It would be nice to find someone who had a good job."

   "No Jero, we're gonna find you a wife tonight!"
   "Tonight?"
   "Yeah, tonight! And we're at Funky Winkerbeans so you can't be certain that anyone here even has a job, except for the bartender."

   After Jero went outside for a smoke and Nate and I went and stood in front of the stage to bang on the wooden barrier during Legion of Goons' set I had completely forgotten about the task at hand. And even after the band finished and the girl that was rocking out beside me for most of the set turned and struck up a conversation I still had forgotten about Jero. She said something about being in Squamish for 9 months and those words brought it all back. The first pause in the conversation I told her I had a question for her, then proceeded. 

   "Do you want to get married *dramatic pause* to my friend Jero. He has to leave the country in October if he doesn't find a wife."

   "Yeah I'd do that, for a thousand bucks."

   "Well I don't know if he has any money, but let's go meet your future husband." 

   We found him and left them to it. Nate and I went outside cracking up, but before this it seemed like they were totally hitting it off. Later Jero came outside and he was all smiles and thanking me. 

   "It's going to work out!" He said excitedly. "I'm going to totally text her tomorrow." 

   Once I heard the Golers fire up I headed inside and Jero said goodbye. He said he was supposed to be home by 11pm and it was now passed midnight. 

   "Hey man, you're already late, you might as well come in and check out three songs," was my reply. He looked at his watch and thought why not. 

    Every time I saw him after this he would yell, 'they are really good' into my ear. No kidding Jero, it's the motherfuckin' Golers. His future wife was still rocking out in front of the wooden barrier and I told him to go rock out with her. I was a regular cupid. And somehow at the end of the show I got stuck between them while they discussed details. For a while her price had gone up, but we got it back down to a thousand dollars. They wanted me to be present as a witness, and I told them to get married at Funky's and my band would play. Jero said something along the lines of how him getting a visa would be so amazing and she talked about how she could really use one thousand dollars. I thought of asking for a cut of the loot, but who am I to come between true love? It did come up that she had been seeing a guy for 4 months now, but he probably wouldn't mind, and Jero spoke of his girlfriend who was in the same predicament and have to be leaving Canada soon. So I piped up. 

   "Jero, I can find her a husband. Hell, maybe I'll even marry the bitch."   

Soundgarden get Super Deluxe in the unknown.

Soundgarden released the 20th Anniversary (Super Deluxe Edition) of Superunknown today.

Super Deluxe?!? What does this mean???

It means that there's 55 songs, 35 of which you probably don't even want to bother listening to.

But hey, when I was a kid I loved the shit out of that album and it's pretty cool reliving it 20 years later.

Makes me feel as old as a fuck, but what you gonna do?

When I was younger and used to visit Vancouver we'd always demand the car radio be tuned to the Fox. I laugh about it now because the Fox is a joke, but if you grew up in Vernon and listened to their radio you would understand why we got so pumped up about it. Instead of listening to the hits of Bobby Brown and Sinead O'Connor we were going to get nothing but rock! The idea of a rock station that played only rock was the greatest thing us kids could have ever asked for.

I think I started to figure out that the Fox was a bit of a joke even before I moved here because every time we tuned in, without fail, they played 'The Day I Tried To Live' by Soundgarden. Not that this is a horrible song or anything (definitely not, compared to the Nickelback they play now) but when I kept hearing the same song it seemed as if they weren't trying hard enough. Especially when that song became a few years old and they still insisted on playing it every time we tuned in. Maybe it was just a weird coincidence. Maybe they were trying to tell me something. Maybe every time I went to Vancouver it was the day I tried to live!

No connections have been made between me hearing this song on the radio every time I came to visit Vancouver and me living here now. Well none that I know of anyways.

My Top Ten Albums of 2013

Even though I'm not much of a rock n roll journalist any more I still can't help myself when it comes to creating a top ten list for my favourite albums of the year. I definitely didn't listen to everything, but then again who could? This is just a list based on my biased opinion of music. Enjoy, or don't, I couldn't care less.

10. Man Man - On Oni Pond

To be perfectly honest this album was a bit of a disappointment for me and only makes it into the top ten because it's fuckin' Man Man! I love this band a lot, and it is because of this that I am tough on them. When 'On Oni Pond' didn't live up to the greatness that was 'Life Fantastic' I was a bit bummed. They seem to be reigning in their madness a little with each new album they release, but regardless it's still a pretty fun album. And it's got some serious bangers like 'Born Tight', and 'Head On'. Man Man continues to break down barriers and keep the labels off their backs while continually reinventing themselves. I couldn't even label them with a genre if I tried, you're just going to have to listen for yourself.

9. Jungbluth - Partache

I have not been listening to this band for very long, but I love the fact that it isn't just straight up hardcore. The moment on 'Partache' that really had me sold was the fifth song entitled 'Au Revoir Tristesse' that lands smack dab in the middle of this 9 song beast of an album. It's a mellower instrumental post punk styled song that showcases the layers of this band and helps them avoid becoming pigeonholed. Plus it's a free download on bandcamp, and no complaints were ever heard. No idea what Jungbluth means though. The band is from Germany so it probably has something to do with sausage or vodka.


8. Wavves - Afraid of Heights

I have never been a huge fan of Wavves before, but when I saw this album on a list I decided to check it out. I didn't hate the album they released before this, it had some really great tracks, but it also had a lot of songs I skipped through. So coming into the listen of 'Afraid of Heights' with no high hopes was probably why I ended up being so pleasantly surprised. The album opens with the ripper, 'Sail to the Sun' and rarely lets up after that. It's surfy garage rock laced with a summer vibe that has got the treble cranked and more catchy chorus' than should be legal on one album.

7. Diarrhea Planet - I'm Rich Beyond Your Wildest Dreams

Some people might think this band has a really shitty name, but others might agree that you won't forget a name like that. I only got into Diarrhea Planet this year thanks to a tip from a friend at a show one night. After going home and looking them up I ended up listening to one of the greatest songs I could ever imagine hearing called 'Ghost With A Boner'. I sang it for months afterwards, then Diarrhea Planet released a new album and it was also kick ass. There are some cheesy moments that make me cringe, but the good songs that are good are really good. Me write good.

6. Hunters - s/t

I used to think this band was from New York because I read somewhere they were from Brooklyn. As it turns out they are from Brooklyn, but Brooklyn PA, not Brooklyn NY. I don't know if they should be allowed to have another Brooklyn so close to that Brooklyn, it's very confusing. My friend told me there is also a Brooklyn in Ontario, but she made it sound like a little butt fuck town that you would never want to visit. Anyway, Hunters are a female fronted grunge band from Brooklyn and they rip. The singer wails and her boyfriend the guitarist backs her up nicely. They do a lot of back and forth singing in songs that host the usual highs and lows that have become accustomed to grunge music thanks to Nirvana.

5. Fuzz - Fuzz

What the shit is this?!? Some serious groove rock n roll, that's what! Calling your band Fuzz leaves you with a tall order to fill, but this band is up for the task! With moments reminiscent of a 70's jam band that just as easily evolve into garage rock n roll or stoner rock from this decade. Usually found behind a guitar Ty Segall is no slouch on the drums and he takes care of most of the vocal duties on this great album. A fat, I repeat FAT, groove is laid down from beginning to end. This is music to smoke your shitty little hash to.

4. FIDLAR - FIDLAR

Fuck It Dog Life's A Risk. I think I always avoided listening to this band because of their name. For some strange reason I always thought there'd be a fiddle present. But on a hot evening at a house party in Edmonton my ears were finally introduced to them, and while I was too drunk for it to become love at first listen, I would go on to check them out live when I got home and be completely blown away. Just like the three bands that precedes them on this list I only got into this band this year. Nice to know there's still some great new music coming out in this world. I will never tire of songs, 'White on White', 'Wait For The Man' or '9 to 5'. This is booze fuelled party rock n roll made for slackers by slackers.

3. Baptists - Bushcraft

Just when you thought the list was not heavy enough I present to you what I thought was the most punishing hardcore album of the year. From beginning to end this album is a full blast heavy assault of riffs and sheer angst. If you wear a wig you better staple the fuckin' thing to your scalp before pressing play on this one because Bushcraft will blow that hairy mess right off your head. While the band is a little bit one dimensional it just doesn't matter because what they do they do really fuckin' well.


2. The Lovely Bad Things - The Late Great Whatever

The most surprising part of my list is that this isn't number one! 'The Late Great Whatever' was one of my most highly anticipated albums of the year, and it didn't let me down. This album is the destroyer of bad moods. Good times all the time. No album was played more this summer than this one, and I'd be surprised if there was one that was played more next summer which I'm already salivating for. While their singer has some serious chops she shares the vocal duties with the rest of the band and it makes for some great and beautiful moments. The Lovely Bad Things seamlessly bounce from a crazy fast punk song to a slower groovy rock jam without so much as a hitch on 'The Late Great Whatever'. Not a bad song in the bunch from an album that boasts style for miles. Is it punk, is it indie rock, is it surf rock, is it garage rock? Who cares, all you need to know is that it's a really really good album.


1. King Khan and the Shrines - Idle No More

I wasn't sold on this album during my first listen, but it proved to be a grower rather than a shower. Hmmm, that says shower, I meant for it to say show-er. Easily the funkiest album on the list the Shrines never disappoint. They've even incorporated some strings into some songs to give it a darker feel or in the case of the track 'Thorn in her Pride' it just adds extra groove to a chorus that already had it all! Another stand out track for me was, 'So Wild', King Khan's tribute to his late friend and fellow rocker Jay Reatard. There really isn't a bad song amongst them all as long as you can handle the slower tunes, but I've always been a sucker for a slow jam. The last song of the album 'Of Madness I Dream' is one of my favs. So I award King Khan and the Shrines the top spot as they add some more excellence to an already excellent catalogue of music.

Zombies and pirates, and even zombie pirates.

I hate zombies because everyone else loves them. Well I also hate them because they're ugly and stupid, but my hatred of zombies mainly boils down to their popularity. All of a sudden out of nowhere there was this intense zombie craze that I just couldn't buy into. If I really wanted to watch a dilapidated grey being with its skin hanging off of its face I'd go visit my grandma. Just another stupid fad brought to you by some asshole from Hollywood. 

It was the exact same thing with pirates. Out of nowhere pirates become the most popular thing since music and I'm sitting there thinking, 'if I didn't buy into it when I was a kid, there's no way I'm buying into it now.' Trust Hollywood to help a gang of fancy boys who wear puffy shirts and tights to become popular with the masses. And then there was that movie, Pirates of the Caribbean. It didn’t just have pirates in it, but also zombie pirates. So as expected people lost their minds and emptied their wallets.

Being a pirate consists of long boat rides full of men, destroying other boats so you can steal all their precious belongings, killing the crew, and I haven’t even mentioned all the taking it up the ass that went on at night after the rum came out. Being a zombie consists of being so stupid you cannot talk or function other than slow movements and low groans, kind of like when someone is staring at their cell phone. So this is what's popular amongst the people of today? A bunch of flag flying, freaky homos, and some flesh eating, drooling retards? It's no wonder the youth of today is turning out the way it is. If they can't take what they want they will eat your brain. Better have your shotgun ready.

Cable TV.

It's been a very long time since I've had cable TV. There is a show I stumbled upon called Man vs Food. This "man" goes around to restaurants and eats until he gets the sweats or even pukes! It makes for some really good television, and it gets me to wondering about who comes up with these ideas. I want that job. Then I will have to wait no longer for my reality TV show starring retards. And I'm not talking Jersey Shore retards, but actual bon-a-fide retards starring in their very own show. Fascinating! Maybe throw in a couple midgets too and an indian. Seriously, I should be a TV exec.

NOFX

Hello, tonight I will be attending a soiree at The Fabulous Commodore Ballroom where a loutish fellow called Plump Mike will strum a bass, sing nasally, and act like a drunken ass. There will also be a stinky dread head named Melvin, no relation to the Melvins, and an even more hefty chap called El Heferoni. They will play music of the punkish variety and people will crash into each other. Yes, it sounds quite awful and scary, but I must go for research reasons, and research reasons alone.

...and I'll never get to say goodbye.

My friend Mike Woods committed suicide recently. It's the first person that I've been somewhat close to that has ever done such a thing. I'm not sure how to deal with it, so I've taken to writing a blog in his memory. I think he would have liked that. He never would have told me this, but I think deep down it would have made him smile.

Mike Woods seemed like a very misunderstood character. People saw him and thought he was a psycho or crazy, and I think this was all simply based on how he looked. He was a hard looking dude, and I think seeing him around at shows may have intimidated me a bit before I actually met him. But once you got to know him you soon realized that there was a lot more to this guy than his tough looking exterior. He was really smart, and like me, he had a very dark sense of humour. Because we both housed anti social tendencies it was funny to me that the two of us could get together and talk for hours. Every time I saw him in the grocery store I would stop and talk to him until he told me to fuck off, and that was the kind of guy Mike was. Never sugar coating a thing, and just straight up telling it like it is. He was one blunt dude. After we had finished talking about this and that and bands in the scene he would say, 'OK, fuck off, I've got to go get some groceries.' And I would laugh and walk away. I'm going to miss those chats we'd have outside of Safeway.

Mike Woods was also an avid supporter of the local music scene. After we had become friends he was someone I could always count on to be at the show. He would sometimes call me up on a Thursday night and we would compare our preferences for shows we wanted to go to on the weekend. On weekends with lots going on we'd usually never be able to agree on which were the best shows to attend, and even after he'd tell me he didn't want to go to certain gigs that I'd recommended I'd still bump into him at the show, and when I'd say things like, 'oh, but I thought you hated this band?' or 'I thought you were staying in tonight?' He would nonchalantly shrug it off and that would be the end of it.

Mike's writing was insanely creative. He would always ask me questions about my writing, and I think in a way we kind of competitively fed off of one another in this category. He would tell me the basis to many of his stories and ask my thoughts, which were always, 'sounds heavy Mike, you know me, I just write about bands and fart jokes.'

At one point Mike called me up and said he was setting up a show and wanted me to perform. No big deal. Then he explained that it was not a show for bands, but a show for writers to get up in front of people and do some spoken word. He also said that he wasn't going to take no for an answer. I reluctantly told him that I would do it, but instantly became nervous about what I was going to say. He said 'just tell some stories.' It's a shame that the show never came together, because I was most interested in what Mike was going to get up there and say. But him pushing me to do it was going to broaden my horizons and make me a stronger person. It's funny to think that Mike Woods made me a better person, but I believe he did.

Playing with Mike's band was always a blast. He had some of the best stage banter I've ever heard. One night when The Winston Campaign played the last ever show at the El Dorado all the regular rednecks showed up to bid their favourite watering hole adieu and were rudely awakened to the fact that the punks had taken over to play some loud music in the corner. During their set some guy came up to fuck with Mike while he was trying to play, and Mike kept his cool even though his microphone had fallen off the stand. He calmly finished the song, put the microphone back into its stand, and then went on a verbal tirade. I wish I could remember what he said because we were all laughing so hard. He called out the redneck saying he probably couldn't even do 20 pushups. Then he went off about how everyone came here to have a good time if they liked the music or not, and simply finishing with, 'if you touch my mic again I will rip your head off.' Amazingly it was this moment that brought both sides of the crowd together and had the rednecks respecting the rest of the show for what it was. There was a great clip of it on youtube at one point, but I have since searched for it and unfortunately it looks like the user has taken it down. Maybe Hugh the bassist can get it back up, as I think it was one of his friends that uploaded it in the first place.

My favourite memory of Mike was when I invited him and Dan over to my place to do an interview about The Winston Campaign's epic journey down to Mexico to "play" with NOFX. His humour shined through all night long as him and Dan reminisced about their travels, and I sat back and laughed. We enjoyed a few beverages, and ran over 2 hours of tape. I'm posting an unedited version of what I transcribed from the interview on my other blog, as it had to be seriously cut down to fit in the pages of the magazine. Part 1 is up right now: http://www.undergroundvancouver.blogspot.com

Later that night we went to Dan's girlfriends house as she was having some people over, and in these situations it was always good to have Mike around. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable in social situations where I don't know many of the people around me, but I could always count on Mike to make me feel less awkward. Not because he was more awkward than me, but mainly because, OK yeah, because he was more awkward than me.

I remember another party at my house that I invited him to, and he had no excuse to not come as he lived only two blocks away, and I think he felt out of place. I saw him trying to sneak away and I ran up to him to stop him. He said he didn't know anybody here and couldn't relate to the ones he did try to strike up a conversation with. I told him that he knew me, and that was enough. I don't know what it was, but I wanted to see Mike have a good time and I wanted him to conquer awkward social situations. Then Dan, Juli, and Zoe arrived at that very minute, and he quickly changed his mind about leaving. And he always came back too. Every time we had a party at our place Mike was there to support whichever one of my bands was playing. He was good like that. Even after Jones Bones stopped playing gigs he'd still come out and see Real Problems perform, even though it was obvious that he preferred The JB by a lot.

I think Mike was angry about a lot of things in this world, and I really wish he hadn't felt that he needed to kill himself. I don't know if going back to Cranbrook was a bad idea, and of course I'll always be left with wondering if we had stayed good friends would he be dead now? If I made more of an effort to not drift apart would he have felt he needed to commit suicide?

Part of me hates myself for writing this. Why am I spending all this time on Mike now that he is gone, but over this last year I spent barely any time on him at all. All of a sudden I feel I can be his friend again when it's way too late. The last few times I saw Mike was at shows, and he was hanging out with a really attractive girl. We didn't get a chance to talk much like we used to when we bumped into each other at shows, but he didn't seem to have changed much as he told me to not stand so close to him, a joke of course. A couple days later I wrote him an email to say he needed to come to our next party. He never did reply, or come by, and I never saw him again.

On more than a few occasions Mike would tell me that Jones Bones was one of his favourite local bands, and I always got a kick out of that. And I also remember a time when I bought him a couple beers at a show and before he took them from me he said, 'you know what Denis, you're a really fuckin' nice guy. You mean well and I like that.' I also got a kick out of that. The things he did to boost my ego meant more to me than he could ever know, and as mean as people might have thought Mike looked, he wasn't. I think he was a really fuckin' nice guy that meant well too, and now I wish I could tell him that.

88

About a year ago I met a guy who swore up and down that 88 Fingers Louie (the punk band) were Canadian. I told him he was wrong and he wouldn't shut up until I bet him $10 over it. After we shook on it he drunkenly mumbled something about how a fool and his money were soon parted and I just smirked. I saw him the other night and told him he owed me $10 because 88 Fingers Louie were from Chicago and he still swore up and down that they were a Canadian band. He is dead wrong, but I never assumed that I was going to see that money anyway. I guess he ain't no fool.

Circle The Wagons.

I used to sing in a band called Jones Bones, and on a hot evening in August some 5 years ago we played at The Lamplighter with a band from Nelson called Circle The Wagons. Our friends in Wantmonster, who were also on the bill, got us hooked up with the show, and it turned into a memorable evening. Not because they had cans of Pabst for $2.75, or because Chad would later go on to piss in his bed, but because of the sheer ripping talent that hit the stage.

When these two long haired dudes, and their bald headed drummer took to the stage and fired up their instruments my jaw dropped. This was the most shredding punk rock I had heard in ages. The guitarist was doing solos behind his head, and they were both screaming out vocals from behind all the hair. These dudes looked like metalheads, they played like metalheads, but it all sounded punk rock! You usually can't ask for much more.

And like many good bands, they disbanded. Disappearing in a sea of fast drums and sick riffs. Over 4 years goes by, and my friend, the singer from Wantmonster tells me they are putting the band back together, with him on vocals! So the stage show will become more intense, if it was even possible, and many new tunes are in the works as you read this. This was big news! Bigger news is that they're touring with the Dayglo Abortions, and my band is lucky enough to open up the festivities at the Vancouver stop on April 14th. It's gonna be so rad to see both of those bands again, let alone share a stage with them. If you like punk music and live in the Vancouver area, this show is not to be missed!

And stay tuned to my other blog Underground Vancouver to read a giant interview that I did with the new singer from Circle The Wagons.

Skateboarding.

I saw a guy fall on his skateboard today, and was quickly reminded why I had to give it up.

There was a time when I was pretty OK at skateboarding. I could do some tricks and ollie up curbs and go down hills with speed. But one day while I was doing the latter I hit a rock and flew from my board. I didn't even have time to get my arms up to take some of the brunt of the fall, and my face was the first thing that hit the pavement. Biggest faceplant I've ever done in my life, and I've had my fair share of faceplants. So I scraped myself off the road and realized I was bleeding from the face. I cursed that stupid piece of wood on wheels and swore that when I got home, after scrubbing my wounds, I was going to snap that stupid thing in half. After scrubbing my wounds I got very woozy, had to lay down on the couch and never did end up stomping that fucker.

I'll admit I looked pretty badass with road rash on my face, and I didn't quit skateboarding then and there, but I was never good at skateboarding again. I never tried anymore tricks, I rarely bombed hills, and basically just used my board as transportation to get to and from work. My skateboarding career was over with one really hard fall.

It would have been different if I didn't do any damage to my face, but this is my money maker. When I get a bit older and can no longer rely on my body to work a labour job I'm going to need to turn to my good looks to get me a lavish modeling career. Nobody in their right mind is going to hire a model with road rash on their face, or big scars on their chin where little rocks used to be embedded. So because of this modeling career that I will be relying on to pay the bills (and the modeling career alone) is why I quit skateboarding. It had nothing to do with the pain of scrubbing dirt out of cuts on my face or the feeling faint while I tried to go through menial tasks, no, I simply quit because of the modeling career that I would be putting in jeopardy if I continued to ride a little board with wheels affixed to it.

The Cheese Ball Ending.

Why does every movie insist on having a cheese-ball ending? The good guys always win, the guy and the girl get passed their fight and kiss, and the fat kid finally ends up being accepted by his peers. Fuck it, that's not what life is like. I know, a movie is emblazoned to make you forget about your problems, to lift you into a fantasy world and leave you feeling happy and care free, but just once I'd love to see the bad guys win. I'd love to see the guy pick the wrong girl, and I'd love to see the fat kid get tormented until the end of the movie. Boom, credits.

I suppose this is why I prefer documentaries. They sometimes try to give their story a happy ending, but it's a lot tougher when you're dealing with the real world.

Fake Shopping.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who does this...

So you're at the grocery store, looking at food and you see a guy who is so obviously not there to shop, but more so to fake shop and try and bust shop lifters. No big deal, that's his job, but for some reason these guys always have two things in their basket. Paper plates and a bag of Doritos. Come on now, nobody eats Doritos off a paper plate. So he starts lurking you like you're gonna steal something, and all I can think to myself is, 'damn, am I the shadiest looking dude in the entire store?' And then I quickly get over it and decide to fuck with the guy, therein becoming the shadiest dude in the store.

First you start looking over your shoulder a lot, trying to see who's watching you. Then you stand really close to the shelves and act like you might be putting something in your coat. His interest is sparked and he thinks he's caught someone in the act. Then you look over your shoulder twice more and quickly take off right by him and to the next aisle. Once you're out of eye shot you quickly turn around, standing at the very end of the aisle and wait for his head to slowly emerge around the corner. And this is about the time I would point and laugh while saying, 'you suck at your job!' The closer you are to him the funnier it is. And for about the four times I have pulled this off flawlessly not one of the dudes has said a word to me. Most of them just put their head down and slink away quietly being all secretive about getting back to their fake shopping. So I guess it kind of sucks being the shadiest looking dude in the grocery store, but it would be worse if I sucked that bad at my job. People are stupid.

If I was one of these dudes I'd be lurking around the self checkout stand. Who's going to steal something from a grocery store when you can just pretend to pay for it? An idiot that's who. And at least if you get busted there you can plead ignorance and say you didn't know how to work one of those damn things and no one was around to help. I don't know who came up with the idea of self checkout but poor people owe him a big thank you.

Mexican Jumping Beans.

Have you ever seen these things? Quite possibly the best thing to come out of Mexico other than tacos.

After a trip to Mexico my dad brought me back some Mexican jumping beans. He thought they were hilarious and knew that I would get a kick out of them. He was right. They were little brown beans that you would put in your hand and watch them move about as if by magic. Strangely as a kid I never really questioned anyone as to why they moved the way they did, I was happier just to watch them do their thing. I even found a nice little case to put them in that was one of those ring cases you'd keep an engagement ring in before popping the big question.

Every day after school I'd run home and up to my room and pop open the top of the case to see the Mexican jumping beans bouncing around and it would bring me joy. Then one day the question I never asked was answered. I popped open the lid of the case to realize my jumping beans were no longer jumping. Instead each bean had a little hole in the side and laying on the bottom of the ring case was a few dried up little wormy looking things. There was little bugs in those beans, and the poor buggers were making the beans bounce by trying to get out. I don't think they would have been trying so hard if they knew what was going to happen to them once they did.

It's definitely a tough life being a mexican jumping bean. You spend your whole life trying to get out of the bean and before you realize you've accomplished what you've been trying to do for days on end, you're dead.

Dirty Pockets.

Below is a video of my band Real Problems playing in a bar the Friday before last. We're playing the first song I ever wrote solely by myself. It's called Dirty Pockets. The lyrics are simply:

Dirty Pockets - Dirty Pockets
Picking up cigarette butts right off the ground
Dirty Pockets - Dirty Pockets
Keep them in your jeans where they'll be safe and sound.

And then cue some sort of phlegmy hacking sound.

WARNING: If you watch this video you will never get the 1 minute and 21 seconds of your life back.



I'm kind of proud of this song, because it hasn't yet become boring to play, so part of me thinks it must be a real banger. And for a first effort that ain't half bad. Also it is short. I have always enjoyed a short song. And there is a fast part. I have always enjoyed a fast song. Also there is a groovy part. I have always enjoyed...well you get the point!

But did I mention headbanging? That's the sole reason I haven't gotten a haircut yet this year.

Cowboys ain't what they used to be.

When I was younger a cowboy was a sort of heroic figure that shot guns, finished bar fights and saved small children from bad dirty people. But as I got older cowboys seemed to become less and less cool.

There is nothing manly about riding a horse. I'd assume it was more of a ball crushing experience than anything else. There is nothing heroic about a rodeo either. They rope and drag cows to the ground just to tie up their feet. Seems like the equivalent to beating up the fat kid at school. And don't even get me started on the wardrobe and footwear.

I think a big problem with how people perceive cowboys these days started with the Village People and ended with the movie Brokeback Mountain. Neither of these things helped the cowboys heroic image, and we all know their music stylings weren't gonna save them either.

I think if I was a cowboy I'd be right pissed off about that movie Brokeback Mountain. Well either that or I'd be right pissed off about the flattened testicles.

Ghosts.

My house is apparently haunted. A few years back the people that lived below us said they were getting bad vibes from an "evil" spirit, so they called up some weird people that claimed to be ghost watchers. These people showed up, set up infrared cameras in separate spots of the house and stayed overnight while quietly watching for any spirit activity. They didn't find anything major, but did claim to see some spiritual activity in the corner bedroom's closet but it quickly rose up to the top floor, which would be my bedroom. Even the Metro newspaper reported on a story of these very incidents. It must have been a very slow news day, or close to Halloween or something. All I know is that I laughed my ass off as I read about my own supposed haunted house in the newspaper at work during my lunch break.

Now don't get the wrong idea, I'm not a non-believer, I just prefer to not make a big deal about such things. I'll let the ghosts go about their business while I go about mine and both our lives will prove to be better because of this. I'm not going to stir anything up, make a stink and eventually end up seeing some creepy little girl standing behind me in the reflection of a window at night. No thanks, that's not for me, but there have been a few instances that come out of nowhere that remind you there may be ghosts around. On a hot day I've felt a strange chill blow up my back that even had my t-shirt moving. There's also the strange mornings where I try to wake up, but it feels as if someone is pushing down on my chest leaving me completely frozen and unable to rise. However this latest occurrence is by far the strangest.

My radio alarm clock has been set to the Fox radio station since I've lived in Vancouver. Every morning that it wakes me up it plays the Fox morning show and hopefully a jam by Rage Against The Machine or Sublime. So it's safe to say I was a little perplexed when I woke up yesterday to the Rock 101 morning show. And then even crazier this morning when I woke up to the Peak radio station. Just a weird crazy thing that can't be explained other than the ghosts having a good old laugh at me in the morning while I lie there with a stunned look on my face. More stunned than usual I mean. I've always been scared to set my alarm at night because of what it's going to do, but now I'm scared to set it because I don't know what it's going to do! I have no other explanation to this other than ghosts playing pranks. Tis the season I suppose.

I still listen to Nirvana.

I hate it when people call Nirvana overrated. It's not Nirvana's fault that Kurt Cobain died and people insist on putting dead musicians on a pedestal.

Dead or not dead, no one can deny that they left behind a legacy. 'Nevermind' is one of the biggest albums of all time and the main reason why I refuse to listen to anyone who calls Nirvana overrated. It's not 'Nevermind' that makes me think this, but 'In Utero'. Look at it this way; the band released an album that exploded and turned 3 struggling musicians into bon-a-fide celebrities. This album put them on the map and people were losing their shit over it, so when it came time to write, record and release a follow up there was some major expectations to live up to. This is where a regular person would crack under the pressure, write a couple of amazing songs and back it up with a bunch of filler. But not Kurt Cobain and the boys. They came back guns a blazing and released an album that was (in my opinion) better than the album that shook the world's core in the first place. This type of thing doesn't happen in the music industry. Ever.  

And this is why I believe that, even though people put a dead Kurt Cobain on a pedestal and worship him like he is some sort of god, Nirvana is not overrated. Anyone who can follow up one of the biggest albums of all time with something better deserves every bit of credibility they are given. 

Sometimes I play the game 'I wonder what kind of music Mr. Cobain would be making if he weren't dead?' I think he had some major issues with the whole celebrity part of being in a popular band, so even if he were still alive I don't think Nirvana would still be a band. I bet they would have released another couple of amazing albums and broken up leaving Kurt Cobain to fade away into obscurity. Either that or he would be making music so weird and unlistenable in an attempt to drive people away. Whichever route he may have taken, I know one thing for sure, he died too soon. His legacy will live on forever with his music, but I would sure give a lot to hear a follow-up to 'In Utero'. 

To double down or not to double down...

That is the question.

I did that Hamlet speech once. Didn't understand a word of what I was saying, but my acting teacher seemed to sure love my delivery. Sometimes you can just feel those pauses. Anyway, I have wavered way off track already. I was coming here planning on blogging about the Double Down.

If you have yet to hear about this Double Down it is a new sandwich style grease bomb from the well known fast food chain KFC. Colonel Sanders himself probably never even saw this one coming. They take two deep fried chicken breasts and sandwich bacon, cheese and some kind of sauce between them. No bun, just a giant ball of grease. Me thinks this must be delicious.

They have only just introduced it to Canada, but those fat asses from the States have been sucking 'em back like they were going out of style since the day they started being served. My friend has already had one from both countries and he says the one from the states is way bigger and they use cheddar cheese whereas here in Canada it's pepper jack. Also both are reported as being 'greasy as fuck'.

However a guy with my condition should not even dream of eating such a thing. It'd probably take a year off of my life! On the positive it would only be one of the crappy years when you're all old and shitty, so I say bring on the Double Down!

On a more truthful note I don't think I will be trying this grease explosion any time soon. If I ever was going to eat some crazy shit like that I'd probably be in a mall food court (happens so rarely) and if I was actually going to burger it up (also happens so rarely) I'd be hitting Arby's. Someone should tell Mr. Arby that he needs to create a double down styled sandwich with roast beef over that cheese sauce and bacon. Deep fried roast beef! And slather some of that crazy red ranch sauce in the middle too. Oh no, my mouth has began to water.    

Old man.

A long time ago I used to live next door to the oldest man in the world. His skin was translucent, and he couldn't possibly have weighed more than ninety pounds. He could barely talk at all, but when he did attempt to speak to me I could never understand a word of the painful sounding whispers that left his dried and cracked lips. Scarily enough he still drove a beast of a car. Every time I saw him pulling out of his driveway in that honking green boat I assumed it would be the last time I would ever see him.

Supermarket fantasy.

At the tail end of every supermarket visit you have to find a line to go and stand in. Obviously you want to be standing there for the least amount of time possible, so surveying the scene is always a good idea.

First you check out who will be ringing up your purchases and exchanging money. The more you go to the same store the more you start recognizing the people that have worked there for a while. The ones that excel at their job and the others that don't. Next you have to take a look at who will be standing in front of you in the line. Maybe a crass judgement, but old women being some of the worst people to be caught behind. They are the ones most likely to have a complaint of some sort, be using some kind of out of date coupon, misplace money or any old thing from their purse, need help out to their car, and definitely shoot a nasty look my direction.

Sometimes I find myself walking up and down the grocery store before settling on a line-up to stand in. And once I've finally settled I'm still watching the progress of the other lines. Sometimes you catch yourself making a snap judgement, switching lineups and now the race is on. You're watching the other line as much as you're paying attention to your own inevitably leading to you slipping up when packing groceries into your backpack or attempting to legibly spit out your phone number to the cute girl attendant. Yes, sadly that is also something you take into account when picking out a cashier. The cute ones usually prove to be the fastest, probably just trying to get this beastly looking boy out of her line up, but can't blame a girl for being good at her job.

You usually avoid the hot chick line up when buying the family pack of hot dogs.